Note: I'm digging back into some older post to show where I was in those early pre-transition days. This was written about 2 1/2 months after my denial started to end.
When I first admitted my existence, I rapidly entered the 'giddy teenager' phase.
Everything was exciting. It was great. I was finally going to have everything start to fit. I could wear the clothes and look like the person I denied I was. I had this wonderful future lying before me and I all I had to do was reach out and grab it.
Reality sets in soon enough.
The fact of the matter is that this is not an easy journey, not one to be undertaken lightly.
What has settled in now is a rollercoaster state, where my head and heart are constatnly up and down, depending on the day, or even the hour.
To be sure, there is still that giddy teenager somwhere -- all excited over the possibilities.
The determined woman is still there, too.
But there are the down days.
There is the pain...which is impossible to describe over being in this state...where I beginning to feel more female and yet I don't/can't look like it. It's the pain of living in a place, a world, where I could lose everything just by living honestly.
There is also the doubt, the uncertainty..not over the fact that I'm trans, but of the best way to carry it out. What direction should I go? I have no idea.
Fear is a great paralyzer. I am afraid that I will never be able to look anywhere close to how I feel inside. I've not always been the most self-confident person in the world about my appearance, and being trans on top of it doesn't help.
I am fearful of being homeless if one key family member reacts badly to my being Kara.
I am afraid of many things great and small and it paralyzes me.
This is why I am befuddled when anybody talks about my courage. So far, the steps I've taken feel so small, so minimal.'
Someone sent me a random IM yesterday that said, "I just wanted to let you know that you inspire me. Because you're so determined and courageous after finally figuring out who you are. I think it's amazing."
I feel anything but when there are those days and moments where I feel trapped, a prisoner who's only become recently aware of the bars, barbed wire and armed guards that surround her.
But, there is also hope.
Over the last week, I've started to become acquainted more with a newer group of people, widening my circle.
Depending on the person, there has been good advice, friendly conversation and hope that it can be done.
I still hardly feel like an icon of courage for anyone.
There are plenty of men and women out there who are much greater inspirations than I am within the trans community.
I am so new, so early in this process that I shouldn't really be looked at as courageous at all.
Admitting to a few family and friends that your trans takes courage...but doing something about it. Moving past that paralyzing fear, beyond that pain that makes you want to curl up and cry? That's where the real courage kicks in.
The fact remains, though, that I was on a path where I was either going to live as Kara or die as Boy Name. Sooner or later, I will have to start acting to let my true self out, even if it's just dressing alone on days and nights when off from work. I will have to do something to start moving to a point where I can transition.
What's it going to take?
My guess is it's going to get to a point where the pain will become so unbearable that I will move past the point where I care what others (the others who don't matter) think about me.
Because, when you get right down to it, my womanhood is a gift that shouldn't be squandered. I just have to figure out the best way to open that gift and make use if it.
When I do? Then...maybe...I will be worthy of someone's admiration.
xoxo
Kara
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